Saturday, April 6, 2013

Nice Girl Syndrome - Surviving the "Friend Zone"

You are now entering.... 
The Friend Zone

We have all been there. You've been his friend for a long time, you've been there for his ups and downs, supported him, and always felt an attraction but he has never noticed you. Your other friends know about the attraction but you can't seem to just tell him how you feel, instead settling on the security of the relationship as it is. You'd rather stay by his side as a best friend than risk losing him. You fear that saying anything will make things awkward, but that doesn't stop you from thinking about him every night and day.
You've heard all about how if a guy likes you he will do everything to get you. Perhaps you already know he has someone that he likes, someone way different than you. You'd like to be seen as a potential mate but you can't seem to show him anything other than your buddy-buddy "just like one of the guys" side.
You're trapped.
Not much is talked about the "Nice Girl Syndrome" because most attention is given to the "Nice Guy", a destructive often emotionally demeaning male who thinks that any girl who doesn't want to date him is a 'dumb slut'. But I am here to say that first hand, girls often suffer from "Nice Girl" just as much, if not more. Often mistaken for just being nice, the girl who is good friends with a guy is afraid that if she is forward, she will be labeled as "pushy" or "aggressive". But ladies, how are you supposed to get the things you want if you don't go out and get them?

  • Okay first, evaluate this relationship  Look at this guy. Is he dating material? Or would it just be better if you stayed friends? Sometimes we think that we are attracted to people when really they are just the focus of our obsessions or fantasies. Are you just physically attracted to him? What would you gain from moving this relationship further? Would you be any better off as bf/gf than just friends?
  • Okay now think about this guy, has he ever given you signals that he is attracted to you? Does he get jealous when you talk about other guys? Does he ask you about your dating life? Is he interested in what you find to be attractive in a mate? These are subtle signs that this person wants to date you but is also too nervous to ask. But don't be too sensitive to this, he may be a possessive friend, watch out for that!
  • Have you ever discussed dating each other? Have you ever discussed the nature of your relationship? What was their reaction? Did they recoil in disgust??? Because that may be a sign that they don't want to date you.
  • I'm going to say this and it's the most important piece of advice, BE DIRECT. This is scary as hell and don't I know it! Rejection sucks! But if you want something you have to go out and grab it! Tell this guy you like him, you've liked him for a while and you'd like to move onto something more.

Then you're done right? You're dating and you're like totes in luuuurve! Wait no- he did what? That fucker!

Okay Part 2
How to Survive Rejection.

He didn't want to date you. He said that you are better as friends and he doesn't want to ruin that. Before telling him he's a fucking loser who lost out on a great girl and you could do better STOP and breathe!
BREATHE GIRL!
It hurts. It hurts so bad and all you can think about is how are you going to move on from this? But its not the end the world, its not even the end of the relationship if you so chose.
Ask yourself if you want what he's offering you. Do you want to just be friends? Was your friendship a healthy relationship and did it satisfy you? Or were you just holding on so that you could ask him out or eventually be asked out one day? If this friendship wasn't working out for you then maybe a romantic relationship wouldn't have been any better.
Take a break for a minute, focus on some other things. Talk to your other friends about it and look elsewhere. It can be hard sometimes when you live in a small town and the intimate relationships with boys are few and far between but there are other people out there. There are. Your friend may feel like the only good guy out there but he may just be a good friend, but not the right romantic partner. Widen your views, there may be a guy out there that you are friend zoning, and you should give more people a chance.
But just understand that you haven't lost anything. You still have a friend and things can move on with your friendship if you don't let your pride or expectations come in between that. Friendships can be just as good for you and just as enriching, if you allow them to be. And when that combination of friend and boy comes together to form a boyfriend hopefully your friend who is a boy will still be there to support you. 

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