Sunday, August 11, 2013

When Your Vagina is Sick

Georgia O' Keeffe - "Flower of Life II"

I've got 99 problems and they all deal with my vagina.
I've got to keep her happy all the time, wear the right clothes, buy the right undies, use the right soap, or no soap at all, drink so much water, drink enough cranberry juice, eat yogurt, maintain my PH balance, not wear thongs, pantyhose, leggings, jeggings, or anything else that might restrict her access to air. Not wear underwear while sleeping. Use the right lubricant, or the right condoms. Masturbate with the right vibrator made out of the right materials. My pussy is a demanding cunt. 
But eventually no matter how long I maintain this dance I always... ALWAYS get a yeast infection. 
My gynecologist sneers at me with her arrogant med school educated face and says to me "Are you taking showers? Remember to always wipe front to back!". I want to hop up in her face and ask her if she thinks I just got this thing yesterday. 
"Yes bitch, thank you! I was using used toilet paper, I found on the ground up until today, I'll rectify that immediately!" 
Georgia O'Keeffe - "Bella Donna"
But the fact is, that most women get or have gotten some sort of vaginal infection. Our pussies are delicate, porous membranes enveloped between juicy thighs and dammit it gets hot in there sometime! What are we supposed to do? Sit on fans all day? 
Actually.
That would probably be pretty awesome. Unless you suffer from vaginal dryness. In that case nevermind. 
A vaginal infection is defined by WebMD as: " a medical term used to describe various conditions that cause infection or inflammation of the vagina. Vulvovaginitis refers to inflammation of both the vagina and vulva (the external female genitals). These conditions can result from a vaginal infection caused by organisms such as bacteria, yeast, or viruses, as well as by irritations from chemicals in creams, sprays, or even clothing that is in contact with this area. In some cases, vaginitis results from organisms that are passed between sexual partners."
Which basically means you can get it from anything, infections, virus, sex, antibiotics, clothing, the wrong soap or products being used on it. All beavers have certain levels of bacteria and maintaining those levels are fucking tricky and can be completely thrown off by anything. My mom used to make me drink cranberry juice all the time, when she'd wash my nasty drawers in high school, because it was supposed to maintain a healthy clam. 
Okay so we've established you are not gross, dirty, nasty, or a bad person because you occasionally or regularly (I get them around my period) because getting them is completely normal.
Unless.
If you get them so much that you are uncomfortable all the time, it hurts to have sex, it hurts to pee, you have a noticeable smell (and everyone else notices your smell) and you are being affected everyday of your life. In that case you NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR. Girl don't fuck with your love taco okay??? Get that baby some help!
Georgia O'Keeffe - "Inside Red Canna" 

How do you know you have some sort of infection?
  • Do you notice a thick, white or yellow discharge coming from your vagina? Does it look like cottage cheese?
  • Is your poonannie itchy? Like really itchy, and red or inflammed?
  • Are you experiencing pain? A problem peeing or you feel like there is something stuck up inside of your uretha? Preventing you from peeing?
  • Is it uncomfortable when you have sex? 
If its a yes to all of these, you may have an infection. BUT, sometimes you are infected and you have none of these symptoms (like wtf?? right??) in that case, I don't know how'd you know, but you should take care of it anyway. 
So there are many types of infections but the most common are: yeast infections, bacterial infections, Trichomoniasis (an STD), Chlamydia, viral infections, and non infectious. For the sake of time we will focus on yeast infections.
Yeast infections are caused by a type of fungus that lives in your coochie, your mouth, and your guts, of both men and women. When the fungus gets out of control you have a yeast infection.
Somethings that could increase the chance of these bastards taking over your downtown, is antibiotic treatmeants, pregancy, diabetes, taking birth control pills, thyroid issues, cortoisteroid treatment, or a disorder that affects your immune system.
They can be treated easily with over-the-counter medications like:
Vagisil
or Monistat


That are available at most grocery stores and pharmacies. They come in creams or weird egg suppository things that make me think I'm hatching an egg in reverse.
Now here's where things get stupid. I've heard this a million times. Here's what WebMD has to say about how to prevent yeast infections, with my own hilarious thoughts.

To prevent yeast infections, you should: 

  •  Wear loose clothing made from natural fibers (cotton, linen, silk). Um like 90% of the clothes sold in America is some plastic cotton/polyester fabric so I don't know if thats possible. Plus I live in leggings and tights, aint giving that up.
  • Avoid wearing tight pants. See above. What are we hippies?
  • Don't douche. (Douching can kill bacteria that control fungus.) Okay done.
  • Limit the use of feminine deodorant. Limit the use of deodorant tampons or pads to the times when you need them. You got it.
  • Change out of wet clothing, especially bathing suits, as soon as you can. Who doesn't do this? Are people really just lounging around in sticky swimsuits all day? 
  • Avoid frequent hot tub baths. Okay if I had a hot tub I'd be in that asshole all day.
  • Wash underwear in hot water. 99% of my clothes are black, do you know what hot water does to black clothes? Do you know how expensive hot water is?
  • Eat a well-balanced diet. Don't tell me what to do.
  • Eat yogurt. Who are you Jamie Lee Curtis?
  • If you have diabetes, keep your blood sugar level as close to normal as possible. Like duh. 
Georgia O'Keeffe - "Light of Iris"

So however you  manage to do all those things at all times, good for you, and for the rest of us keep, those things in mind but when you do get an infection, don't freak. You're okay and you're gonna be okay. 

If you want more information check out WebMD page on it or go see your OBGYN. 

And remember: If you smell something, Do something! 

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